I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
This is amazing.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.