I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
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accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.