I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

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I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.


*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.


*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper


I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.


I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.


All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.


I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.


dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months


Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.


The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?