I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I was bored.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Anime is real