@MKupperman

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

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@Bandersnaaatch

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

@_Water_Baby

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

@_radsy

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

@Havish_AF

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

@DurtMcHurtt

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

@SortaBad

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

@PanettaSexyTime

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

@GrantTanaka

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

@MollySneed

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

@kentgrossarth

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?