i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
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Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I shouldn鈥檛 repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
lol
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
girl on bumble: hey 馃檪 ur cute but I noticed you didn鈥檛 include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don鈥檛 see why this is important
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
i love modern commerce
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Damn even I didn鈥檛 expect him to lift up the pizza lol