“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Gods work.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce