I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
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SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes