I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
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Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”