I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
You Might Also Like
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!