I’m terrified of escalators so I’m taking steps to avoid them
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.