I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Barbie gone wild
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
They got a point!
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another