I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
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There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.