I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
You can’t outrun your problems…
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie