@YourFavMexi_Can

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

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@Cheeseboy22

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

@UncleDuke1969

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

@Marlebean

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

@Old_Pat_Bren

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

@athleisure_monk

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

@AnOrangeSNES

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

@coolauntV

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

@noog

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

@Playing_Dad

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

@Cpin42

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.