Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
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Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!
Ok now say “coffee”!
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?