@jehujeni

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

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@SadMeterologist

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

@liljonlovitz

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

@Brianhopecomedy

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

@daddygofish

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

@BlackCatBettie

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

@XplodingUnicorn

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

@ValeeGrrl

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

@kidnappedagain

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

@aveuaskew

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.