I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.


FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar


Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.


As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.


If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.


[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.


My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.


Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for


Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.


One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.