@SadMeterologist Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
@jehujeni I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
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@SadMeterologist 
@liljonlovitz FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
@Brianhopecomedy Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
@daddygofish As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
@BlackCatBettie If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
@XplodingUnicorn [Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
@ValeeGrrl My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
@kidnappedagain Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
@aveuaskew Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
@SteveKoehler22 One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.