I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Something Saturday.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*