I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
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Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒