@SondraDeeMe

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

@fillthevacuum

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

@slimmy_shady

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

@upsidedowntrash

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

@Cidisn

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

@mellimelle

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

@SortaBad

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

@gbergan

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.