I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
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Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me