@PrettiestPickle

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

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@smsss5

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

@ohpegah

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

@valentinebaby82

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

@backporchlady

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

@Browtweaten

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

@revengeofAA

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

@garbagecoven

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

@SkinnerSteven

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

@donni

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

@JWatchtower

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.