I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….


[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t


Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
N: me too


Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.


doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good


The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?


Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”


Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned


You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person


My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.