Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”