I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
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Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
yall want some gasoline milk
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]