I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
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A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
*limbos away from your hug*
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!