im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Mornin. * use accordingly
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras