I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
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I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I want what they have
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken