@KalvinMacleod 911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
@Juicedballs I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
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@KalvinMacleod 
@_radsy WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
@CornOnTheGoblin scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
@joejwest DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
@Brampersandon_ WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
@VisibleJudd TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
@SkinnieTalls To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
@mommajessiec 6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
@ozzyunc Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
@YayForJam Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed