Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
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There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
True.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations