Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

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Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.


If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.


They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.


I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective


BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.


DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!


Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.


Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.


How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?


She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.