@SlabBaconBP

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

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@fillthevacuum

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

@robdelaney

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

@envydatropic

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

@CallousBalzac

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

@daemonic3

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

@BeerFarts101

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

@DaddyJew

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

@2tickytacky

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.