I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

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I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.


The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems


Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”


My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”


If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.


I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’


I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round