I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
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Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Cinematography is my passion
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?