I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
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I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My dress code is business-casualty.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.