I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

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Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.


When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.


I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?


First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!


Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.


Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.


Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.