I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
normalize having existential bread
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.