I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
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The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then