I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident