I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
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“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!