I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
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This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
こいつ天才
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
😂 amazing answer
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change