I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife