I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

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Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys


Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.


If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?


“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.


The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare


This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen


Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?


Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired


Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”