I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
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Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Saw online –
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this