“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them