I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
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This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it