I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[Enters baby room late at night]
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.