I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
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Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.