@Parentpains

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

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@darksidedeb

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

@hythemafia

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

@flashember

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

@Smooheed

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

@capnwatsisname

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

@VodkaShorebird

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

@SwedishCanary

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

@Dolly0Dolly

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

@TheBlessMess

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

@mrt1m

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.