I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen