“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
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My favorite animal is fried chicken.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.