I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
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I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you