I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Thrilling chase underway
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally