I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
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Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
new record!
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
that lip filler tho
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi