I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

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Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives


Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.


The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.


I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.


“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids


Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.


We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.


Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen


“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.