@JordanPeele

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

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@TheToddWilliams

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

@Dani_Feld

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

@Brianhopecomedy

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

@ozzyunc

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

@joeldanger

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

@Aspersioncast

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

@Shanehasabeard

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

@ranndrew

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.