I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen