I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store