I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
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*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
*3.5 thank you very much.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.