“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
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Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
i made a craigslist ad !
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”