I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Sticker placement is key.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.