@Gorrdano

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

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@Darlainky

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

@HannahAntics

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

@SimplyNamedTron

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

@RodLacroix

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

@ilovepie84

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

@Gorrdano

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

@rachiecandice

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.