I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
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I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My brain is a bad influence on me
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.