“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.