I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
You Might Also Like
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.