Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

Seems a bit forward

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.