Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this