I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
How funny!
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
We all have our pet causes.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
honestly, i need both:
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.