Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like