I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Wikigenius
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time