I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
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Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”